


Love me as hard as I hate myself.

by Heyashes



Series: A thousand years and a thousand more. [2]
Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan definitely has a breakdown, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Constipated Dan, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Late Night Conversations, Love Confessions, M/M, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-14 11:39:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3409196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heyashes/pseuds/Heyashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not less than two seconds after he's sent that text Dan smacks himself in the face so hard he thinks he's given himself some kind of permanent brain damage for a moment.<br/>"How do I delete my life?" He mutters under his breath as he casts a horrified glance to his phone.</p><p>He's fucked up. He's fucked up so bad he expects the ground to open under his feet and make him disappear.<br/>He kind of hopes it does, to be honest.<br/>Groaning at his existence, he makes a point of hiding himself under the duvet and contemplates never getting out.</p><p> </p><p>(Or: the one where Dan thinks he doesn't deserve Phil and Phil proves him wrong.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love me as hard as I hate myself.

**Author's Note:**

> You've been asking for this so here we go!  
> This work is a sequel to [But now I realise: it was always you](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3345014) . I suggest you read it first to have a complete idea of what's going on.  
> I'd like to thank the anon who sent me suggestions on tumblr and my best friend Sacha for listening to me talk about Dan 24/7 and never complain about it. This goes to you.
> 
> I'll post a link to my askbox on tumblr because this series is now in your hands: if you want me to continue feel free to suggest me prompts either there or down in a comment!  
> Also kudos and comments are highly appreciated: let me know if you liked this!  
> All the love xx

Not less than two seconds after he's sent that text Dan smacks himself in the face so hard he thinks he's given himself some kind of permanent brain damage for a moment.  
"How do I delete my life?" He mutters under his breath as he casts a horrified glance to his phone.

He's fucked up. He's fucked up so bad he expects the ground to open under his feet and make him disappear.  
He kind of hopes it does, to be honest.  
Groaning at his existence, he makes a point of hiding himself under the duvet and contemplates never getting out.

Phil is surely freaking out in his own room on the other end of the short hallway and it's all because Dan's an idiot who's well aware of being one.  
The awareness is just what adds insult to injury.

 

Dan is cringing so hard under the blankets that his face feels like it might just rip when there's a knock on the door.  
"Shit," He hisses before doing the most obvious thing: he hides under the bed. And then, as if what he's just done wasn't ridiculous enough, he adds: "I'm sleeping."

He deserves to be de-balled. He really does.

"Dan?"  
 _'Oh my god, please, no, go away, I'm not ready for this,'_ Dan pleads in his head.  
"Dan? Can I come in?"  
"Is there any way I can keep you from coming in anyway?"  
He hears the door open as a reply and it's like someone took off the lid of a box filled with chaos and panic and demons that was sitting right in the middle of his chest.  
He forces himself to keep it cool: they're both grown ups, they can talk it through. They  **must** talk it through, because there's no way Dan's losing his best friend because of a word-vomit.

He gets out from under the bed and sits on it, trying to ignore the wy his hands look like they won't stop shaking anytime soon as he watches the door open slowly.  
Phil doesn't say anything as he sits on the edge of the bed and gives Dan a tentative look, causing the younger one to try to swallow the thick lump in his throat and look away.  
Dan knows he should say something. He wants to. Yet all he can do is sitting staring at his trembling hands on his lap like a kid who's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  
 _'Open that big mouth, you idiot,'_ Dan hisses at himself in his hed, but his tongue feels heavy in his mouth, like a soaked sponge that's muffling all his words.  
On the other hand Phil is being extremely patient. He always is when it comes to Dan, but the brown haired one feels like Phil's politeness is almost out of place at the moment.

"I'm sorry," He manages to get out at some point after God knows how long they've been sitting like that. Phil just raises his eyes to meet Dan's, who just goes back to stare at the carpet. "I didn't mean to, you know... make things awkward," He clears his throat and takes a deep breath. "Point is... I don't know. It just slipped out and now it's out there and it's too late for me to take it back.  I never meant to ruin everything... I hope I haven't. But I think I have. And you have no idea how shitty it feels, because..." He stops for  moment and realises he's keeping to walk in circles around it but never quite getting to the point. "Because you know what, Phil? I've been having a monster-crush on you from the very beginning. I tried to ignore it. I tried. Especially after I came to visit you during the summer the year we met. I blocked it out. I got girlfriends, I made new friends, but my problem wasn't getting any better..."  
Dan stopped to talk to recatch his breath. Still no reaction from Phil.  
"I've never been attrached to a guy," Dan admits with a sigh. "It's something new to me. I don't know if I'm gay, bi, if this is just an exception to my being straight..." He rubs his face, looking for the words he so desperately needs to get this right. "And I know I shouldn't care about labels. I know. I don't even think I do, it's just... confusing, you know? And it  bothers me. For some reason I don't know, it freaks me out. And I don't want it to. I want to be better than that. Jesus Christ, I'm always going on about how people should embrace who they are and here I am, doing the exact opposite and-"

"It's never easy to follow he advice you give other people."  
Dan blinks: he's been rambling for so long that he's almost forgotten that Phil is right there, sitting next to him. He feels his ears burn with embarrassement.  
"I... yeah. I gues you're right."  
"There's nothing wrong with that."  
Phil voice is calm, and Dan can't help but think it shouldn't be. It feels too much like the quiet before the storm.  
"And there's nothing wrong with being scared," The older one adds.

 _'But there's something wrong with being in love with your best friend,'_ Dan thinks. He bites the inside of his cheek, no sure how to respond to that.

"I'm in love with you," He blurts out after a few beats of silence, and immediaely goes for hitting himself in the head but Phil is faster and managest to delicately catch Dan's wrists in his pale, long fingers before he could even raise his hand. Like he knew Dan was going to.  
"Don't," He says softly, and Dan finally daes to look him in the eyes properly.  
"What am I supposed to do, then?"  
"Talk to me,"  
Dan really hopes Phil can't feel his pulse from where his fingers are wrapped around his wrist, because he's pretty sure he's on the verge of having a heart attack.  
He sighs. "About what?"  
Phil sighs back, and it's not annoyed. It's something Dan can't quite pinpoint at the moment. "About whatever you feel like talking about."

Dan stares into Phil's blue-greyish eyes for a long moment and feels his brow twitch from how bad his facial muscles are trying to make it raise and morph his expression from a pained one into a vaguely sarcastic one.  
"You really don't want me to," He mutters dryly.  
"I do," Phil replies instantly, his voice firm.  
"It'll ruin everything."  
"Just. Dan," Phil sighs again letting go of Dan's wrist to rub his face with his both hands, and Dan realises: he's frustrated. "Just talk. Please."

And Dan really doesn't want to talk. He tries to buy some time by picking at a lose thread in his sweats while he thinks about how he should've kept all this to himself.  
Because he doesn't want Phil to hate him, but he doesn't want him to love him either. Not the way he loves Phil.  
Because Dan is aware of not being good. He knows he's poisonous, that he's going to make Phil's life hell just like his ex girlfriends' by being weir and a shitty boyfriend because he just can't love people the right way.

He knows he'd be jealous to death for no reason and cold when he shouldn't. He'd forget anniversaries and always say the wrong thing.  
He wants to love Phil good but he also knows that he can't.  
Maybe he should tell him this.

"I suck," He says.  
"You don't."  
"I do. I so do, Phil. And you know that. You're just too nice to admit it."  
Phil shakes his head and moves to sit crosslegged on the mattress so he's fully facing Dan. "I don't see it that way."  
"Well, you should," Dan replies stubbornly, frowning at his friend. "You should. You, of all people, since you kow me so well. You've seen how mad I can get. Hell, how bad I _am_. Everything I touch turns into shit, no matter how hard I try. I managed to ruin every relationship I've ever had. Every brea up was my fault because none of my exes could take how shitty I am, both as a boyfriend and as a person. I'm jaded, and cinical, and I realise how I truly care about someone or something only when I've fucked up so bad there's no way I'm getting them back and-"  
"You're human."  
"A shitty one!" Dan is so exasperated at himself he thinks he might just start crying. "And I hate myself for being in ove with you, because if there's a faint chance that you might like me back, I know that I'd end up poisoning you, too! And I can't have that... I can't lose you, Phil. I wouldn't be able to take it," He takes a shaky breath, and for the first time he realises his face is wet with bitter, burning tears. "I already hate myelf enough, Phil. Loathe myself, even. I don't need you to see me that way, too."

His voice cracks at the end of the sentence, and Dan knows he looks absolutely wrecked right now. He doesn't stop the tears from falling, tho. He lets them burn all the way down to his chin, and with each one of them a small wave of relief washes through him, like all the emotions he's been keeping for himself for the past two years were slowly corroding him from the inside.

"Dan-"  
"Phil, just... don't," He hiccups shaking his head. He doesn't wanna know, or listen.  
"Listen to m-"  
"Please," Dan begs, agony thick in his voice and his bloodshot eyes.  
And before he can realise it there are two soft, gentle hands cupping either of his cheeks and loving, slightly chapped lips on his.  
Dan's eyes widen and he flails, trying to push Phil away, to keep him safe from the radioactivity inside him.  
"Phil, don't - _stop_!" He cries out, breathing frantically as he feels panic raise in his chest.  
But Phil's grip on his cheeks only becomes a tad firmer.  
"I love every monster you say you are and have been, Dan," The older one says looking him straight in the eyes. Like he means it. Dan thinks for a moment that maybe he really does. "And I'll love the monsters you'll become," He adds as he gently thumbs Dan's tears away. "I just hope that maybe you'll let me help you battle them. Maybe we will even defeat them. And even if we don't I'll love you all the same."

 

Dan blinks at Phil's words like he other's just gone insane, but he goes for smashing their lips together anyway, clinging to Phil's -his- hoodie for dear life.  
And the kiss is not desperate as Dan expected: it's sweet, tender, and full of promises he knows Phil will keep.

And for the first time in years Dan doesn't feel poison running through his veins but flowers blooming inside his chest.

**Author's Note:**

> And here's my [askbox](boollshit.tumblr.com/ask) ! I write every kind of fic, from fluff to smut so don't be shy!


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